i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize