I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
