Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
