I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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