walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
