Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
We're using joints as your birthday candles
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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