my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
