My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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