My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
