god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
foreskin is a definite game changer
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
