i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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