I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
