remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
