I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
