there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
