I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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