his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
