my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
