I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
