He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
