I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
