my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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