i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
