Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
