Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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