So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
