I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
