one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
