I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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