Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
