no, he came in my armpit
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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