She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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