based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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