she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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