What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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