I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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