i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
