my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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