I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
