Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
