Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
