He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
