why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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