i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
