im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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