I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Bring me that man meat
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
