This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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