Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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