she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize