I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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