I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
