There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
