I just cut my nipple shaving
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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