My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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