Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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