Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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