Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
